I love playing golf. It is infinitely more fun when you play well, but even the bad days are enjoyable. There is the occasional time when you hit the ball so poorly that all you can do is laugh. If you can't find those moments amusing it might be time to give up the game.
Perhaps the best part of playing this silly game is the stories that one can tell after a round. The best ones are true, although golf jokes can be funny even if they are make believe.
I ran across a few golf jokes the other day and I will share them with you. Then I will tell you a couple of true stories from this past week. I'm guessing you will find both to be funny.
The Language of Golf.
Phil Beale, a member at Gudge Heath Golf Club, has a 60-foot putt and makes a bet stating that he has a dollar that says, "I can make this putt."
Everyone takes him up on the bet. Phil duly misses the putt by 5 feet and says,"You all owe me a dollar."
Of course his golf mates all think he is crazy until Phil produces a dollar upon which he wrote, "I can make this putt."
There is a moral to this story. Be careful what you bet on because you cannot trust what a golfer says. We are adept at dancing around the truth.
Ladies Foursome.
A foursome of ladies came back after a round of golf. At the 19th hole in the clubhouse, the pro, Ross, politely asked them,"How did your game go?"
The first lady said she had a good round with 25 riders. The second said she did OK with 16 riders. The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders. The fourth was disappointed and said that she played badly with only two riders.
Ross was confounded by the term "rider," but not wanting to show his ignorance just smiled and wished them better golf next time.
He then approached Jimmy, the bartender, and asked, "Hey, Jimmy, can you tell me what does this term 'riders' mean?"
Jimmy smiled as he explained to Ross that a "rider" is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride in a golf cart.
Boy, have we all been there. How many times have you hit a ball only to walk swiftly after it knowing that the walk won't be that long and the use of the same club will be required? It has happened to you, hasn't it?
There is also a moral to this story. If you don't know something, a bartender is a good person to ask. They get to hear it all.
Golf Partner.
Alex comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife, Amanda asks why he doesn't include John Gumby in the games anymore. Alex asks, "would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears outrageously over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?"
"Of course I wouldn't," states Amanda.
"Well," mutters Alex, "neither does John Gumby."
We all have moments on the golf course where we are not much fun to be around. Gumby would not want to play with us during that time. Come to think of it, neither would Pokey!
Scratch Golfer.
Maria and Stephanie are paired as partners for the Cams Hall Club tournament. Meeting for the first time on the putting green, introductions are made. Maria then asks Stephanie what her handicap is.
"Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," Stephanie replies.
"Really," exclaimed Maria suitably impressed with whom she had been paired.
"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones," responded Stephanie with a smile.
We do tend to scratch out are bad rounds, at least from our memory banks. Interesting shots however, remain etched in our minds forever and a couple of them happened this past Thursday evening in my golf league.
The temperature was 99 and the heat index was 110 when we teed off that night. No, I don't have any idea what we were doing out there. We're men. We golf.
Enough said.
At any rate you know something weird is likely to happen and it did. On back-to-back holes at Loudon Meadows, two ridiculous shots took place. I was responsible for the first one, Mike Rietzke the second.
I was lying two on the par-5 sixth hole but was behind a tree some 60 yards from the green. I had no choice but to go under the tree and I decided to punch a driver. I made good contact, but the ball got up in the air more than I had hoped and shot right into the middle of the tree.
As soon as it did, a shriek came from the tree unnerving me. A bird flew out, chattering as it went, muttering something about a bad golfer ruining a quiet rest. I have never heard a sound quite like that. I'm really not sure who was the most scared; but then again I didn't have a golf ball go whistling by my head!
On the next hole, Rietzke pounded a drive that ended up close to the green in the rough between the seventh and eighth fairways. Unfortunately he was also behind a couple of trees and a punch shot was the only viable option. He swung and the ball went under the branches of the first tree only to get up into the leaves of the second.
The ball's course of flight was altered and it appeared the ball would go well to the right of the green. That is until it decided to strike a sign that had been placed in front of the green signifying a hole prize. You know what I'm talking about - a little metal post holding a paper to place names on as each group comes through and betters the last shot.
These posts are no bigger than a pencil and the odds of hitting one of them with a golf ball are very slim. Not only did Mr. Rietzke hit it; he hit it on the proper side, which sent the ball off toward the pin. It rolled and rolled coming to rest a mere 7 feet from the cup. To top matters off, the prize was closest to the pin in two shots. Thanks to the sign, he got to move it to where his ball ended up.
He may have won the prize for the hole, but the putt was dead on line until it got to inches from the hole where it dove to the left. A tap-in par had Rietzke fuming a little that he didn't take full advantage of his break.
All in all it was a great trick shot Mike. However, I should point out that it was no better than mine. After all both resulted in near birdies!
Al Stephenson is The A-T's golf columnist.
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